Long ago,[i] the Baal Shem Tov, the great founder of Chasidism, saw something special in Reb Wolf Kitzes. Reb Wolf was a good person: he cared about his family and his neighbors. Reb Wolf prayed fervently, studied diligently, and was a fixture in his small synagogue in Poland. And so, the rabbi asked him to become the congregation’s shofar blower.
Reb Wolf agreed and each week, he met the rabbi. The Baal Shem Tov taught him, not only the required blasts, but all the teachings of the shofar’s origins, even the shofar’s mystical connection to the heavenly realm.
As the High Holy Days approached, Reb Wolf became more and more panicked. He couldn’t get the shofar blast just right and he kept forgetting all of the rabbi’s teachings. Reb Wolf decided to write down copious notes of everything he learned. He put these notes safely in his front shirt pocket. He studied them all the time from sunrise until bedtime. He practiced and practiced the shofar blasts. At last, he felt ready.
But, on Rosh Hashanah, as he felt his pocket, he realized in horror that his notes were missing. As the Baal Shem Tov called him, his mind went completely blank. He didn’t just lose his notes, he could no longer remember any of the teachings, not even how to blow the shofar.
“Reb Wolf, it’s time”
“But, rabbi… I can’t!”
Broken hearted, with bitter tears in his eyes, Reb Wolf picked up the shofar and gave a short trembling blast.
After the the service had finished, Reb Wolf sat with the Baal Shem Tov and apologized for his panic and forgetfulness and utter despair during the shofar blast.
“Reb Wolf,” said the Baal Shem Tov, “In the palace, there are many chambers and each chamber has its own lock, but there is a master key, which can open any door. That master key is a broken heart.”
On this Kol Nidre night, I approach you with the same feelings of despair as Reb Wolf. I too feel brokenhearted. Brokenhearted and with bitter tears at the circumstances of this moment. I know that many of you feel the same way. Over the last few weeks, I’ve asked you, “How are you doing?” And, honestly, none of us are doing that well right now.
I especially see the angst when I talk to parents of young children. Those of us who are parents feel the push and pull between work and family life. We’ve become our children’s teachers, navigating online schedules, work assignments, and home classrooms. We’ve needed to support our children, but also do our jobs. And everything is messy and hard, jumping from zoom call to homework help, making sure our children’s brains don’t turn to mush because of so much tablet time.
And it’s not just those of us with young kids. It’s all of us. It’s the stress of not seeing our family members and friends face-to-face: our children or grandchildren who we can’t visit; or our parents and grandparents who we can no longer welcome into our homes.
It’s our work and home responsibilities. All of us are learning new skills, navigating this new online world. Very few of us feel totally confident in this new skill set or completely satisfied in our work output or in keeping up with the to-do list at home.
As these challenges weighed upon my shoulders, I found a little solace, in this reflection by Rabbi Aaron Brusso. It’s something I needed to hear. I hope it will give you comfort as well.[ii]
“For most of us this is the first time in our lifetime that doubling and tripling of efforts and time will not result in a work product that reflects the effort. And that’s because there is a current reality beyond our control. Like other traumas involving loss, the limitations of the pandemic grip are encountered anew every time we try to do something we used to be able to do thoughtlessly. And each time, we are introduced to the loss all over again.”
If I take Rabbi Brusso’s words to heart, I know that on this Yom Kippur, I must forgive myself. I must forgive myself for all the times I didn’t do my best, when I forgot to return a phone call, or when I just couldn’t complete the task at hand. I must forgive myself at all the times I lost my temper, when I became overly pessimistic, when my house was a mess, and when I didn’t fully support my husband or my son. On most Yom Kippurs, our task is to forgive others. Tonight, I ask you to forgive yourself for all the times since covid began that you didn’t do your best.
As Rabbi Naomi Levy shares: "Teach me to love myself, God. I am so critical of myself... I accept shortcoming of others, but I am so unforgiving of myself... Remind me to be kind to myself... Soften my heart God... Thank You, God for creating me as I am." [iii]
It’s time to adjust our expectations, to realize that what we were able to do in the past, we just aren’t able to do in the present. Tonight, we are given that permission. The Kol Nidrei prayer is a sticky prayer that bothered the medieval rabbis greatly. The prayer is literally, a “get out of jail free” card. It seems so un-Jewish to ask God to release us from any vows that we might break in the year ahead. But, at this moment, on this year, this is the request we need. We need permission to adjust our expectations; permission to do things differently; permission to forgive ourselves for the mistakes that we’ve already made AND the mistakes we know we will make in the year ahead.
For this is not normal times and we are all depleted! Dr. Ann Masten, a professor of child development at the University of Minnesota, calls this “Surge Capacity.” Surge capacity is a collection of adaptive systems – mental and physical – that we draw upon for short term survival during stressful situations such as natural disasters.[iv] Natural disasters they occur over a short period of time – even if it takes a while to recover. Pandemics are different, the disaster itself stretches out indefinitely.
Under normal circumstances, when we feel depleted, we find time to renew ourselves. But, with covid, we don’t have the luxury of time. We are constantly exhausted, trapped, and unable to focus.
That is why, I urge you, to take the extra effort to replenish yourself. The world is in upheaval, every day there is a new fire to put out. The stressors of family life, work, an election, and a pandemic are almost too much to handle. Believe me, I know that it’s difficult to pause in our day to day activities, especially when so many of things we loved to do pre-Covid aren’t easily accessible. But, we need to find those moments of joy and rest that will give us a boost. It is a very Jewish idea – each week on Shabbat we are required to put away our work and our stress. We must find our own Shabbat: to carve out a few minutes each day or one day a week, to reach out to friends and loved ones, to get away from the news, and to replenish our souls for the tireless journey ahead.
Long ago, after the service concluded, Reb Wolf approached the great sage, the Baal Shem Tov, apologizing for forgetting the rabbi’s mystical teachings and for a lackluster shofar blast! The Baal Shem Tov answered with this cryptic response: “In the palace, there are many chambers and each chamber has its own lock, but there is a master key, which can open any door. That master key is a broken heart.”
It wasn’t the shofar blast or perfect retelling of the teaching that opened the gates of the palace, it was Reb Wolf himself, brokenhearted, tear filled, authentic Reb Wolf. It was his prayer, his very being, that was the master key.
At this moment, we too are that key. Our broken hearts, our tear-filled cheeks, our worried and anxious selves, we are the master key that opens the gates of our palace. On this Yom Kippur, we are given permission to recognize the tumultuous nature of this moment. We are given permission to forgive ourselves for the past year, and for all the mistakes we will make in the year ahead. We are told to just be us, not perfect, just the authentic brokenhearted selves that we are at this moment.
[i] Adapted
from “The Truest Shofar” by Rabbi Jason Rosenberg. and https://velveteenrabbi.blogs.com/blog/2007/08/the-master-key-.html
[ii]
Rabbi Aaron Brusso
[iii]
A Prayer When We Are Too Hard on Ourselves, Talking to God, p. 235, by Rabbi
Naomi Levy
[iv] https://elemental.medium.com/your-surge-capacity-is-depleted-it-s-why-you-feel-awful-de285d542f4c
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