Long ago,[i]
in a land far away, there once lived a water carrier. Each day, as the sun began to rise, the water
carrier would leave home and travel down a long path to the riverbank. Upon the water carrier’s broad shoulders, was
a long pole, and on either side of the pole, were two buckets. When the water carrier reached the river, the
buckets were filled with cool refreshing water and placed back upon the pole. The buckets and the pole were balanced on the
water carrier’s shoulders for the long walk back home.
Now,
there’s one thing you should know. When
the water carrier arrived back home, one bucket was full of water, while the
other bucket was only half full. This second
bucket had a crack in it. Yet, the water carrier never changed the
routine. For days, weeks, years, the
cracked bucket would arrive home half full.
As you
might expect, the cracked bucket became ashamed and saddened by all of
this. “Excuse me” said the cracked bucket. “I want to apologize and beg
forgiveness.”
“Why?”
said the water carrier. “What are you
ashamed of?”
“I
haven’t done my full share! You work so
hard to bring water to town, yet because of my crack, you don’t arrive with the
full amount of water. Your job is harder
because of me and my crack!”
The water
carrier replied: “Tomorrow, when we begin our walk back home, I want you to
look out at the right side of the path.”
The bucket
agreed. The next day, after the water
carrier filled the buckets with water and began the slow climb back home, the
cracked bucket looked out at the right side of the path, just as
instructed. And what was there was truly
breathtaking: an incredible number of beautiful flowers.
The water
carrier stopped in the middle of the walk home.
“Do you see all of these gorgeous flowers? Did you notice that the flowers are only on
your side of the path? I have always
known about your crack, and so I planted seeds there. Every day as we walked back home, you watered
these seeds, helping to bring forth those beautiful flowers. It was your crack that allowed these flowers
to flourish. I need to thank you! Thank you for being a cracked bucket!”
As the
sun sets and Yom Kippur is upon us, we begin this annual day long feat of self-chastisement. Over the next twenty-four hours, we will
apologize, dozens of times, for our mistakes, transgressions, and sins. We will beat ourselves up by pounding on our
chests. We will express remorse for all the
times we missed the mark. Let our Jewish
guilt go into overdrive!
We are our
harshest critics. Most of us have
unrealistically high standards for ourselves.
Either, we spend way too much time focusing on the cracks: the seeming
flaws or we attempt to
emulate those that surround us, wishing away the cracks in order to become
someone else. It’s difficult when there
are so many “perfect buckets” out there.
Rabbi
Nachman of Breslov, the famous Hasidic Master, once taught, that we often give
up hope because we look around and see our contemporaries, and imagine them to
be far worthier than they in fact are.[ii] That was true during the 18th
century when the rebbe lived and even more so in our day, especially with the
advent of Social Media. We see pictures
of perfection online: perfect smiles, perfectly dressed children, delicious
meals, the incredible backdrop of an exotic location. Everything online looks to be magical, fun,
and easy.
Yet, no
one, and I mean no one shares the pictures of the messy house, the lonely
nights, the microwave dinners, or the latest arguments. Very few of us share the battles with
addiction, depression, sickness, abuse, or fear. The worries, the challenges, the
difficulties, are hidden away from public view.
We only
see pictures of perfection. The Social
Justice pioneer, who can march at every rally, volunteer each night, work a
full-time job, and be the perfect parent at home. Reality is, as we know, quite different. You might be the Social Justice Warrior,
helping to change the world, but are barely keeping up at home. You might be the perfect parent but are
searching for sustenance that can only be found outside of family life. It’s impossible to do everything. No one is the “perfect bucket,” even if they
appear so on Facebook.
On Yom
Kippur, we must recognize the good we accomplished. Too often, we focus on our failures and
inadequacies, instead of our strengths.
Too often, we imagine that we are that much worse than everyone else. Each of us, possesses great blessings alongside
our cracks; it’s these blessings that often go unnoticed. The cracked bucket couldn’t recognize its goodness
without the help of a kind friend. Alongside
our water carriers, we too must shine a light on our entire being, the bad and
the good. On this Kol Nidre Night, we
ask: Am I being my true self?
There’s
the story of Rabbi Zusya, the Hasdidic teacher, who knew that he was about to
die. As his students gathered around his
bed, the rabbi broke down into tears.
“Reb Zusya,” asked his students, “What’s wrong?”
“I had a
dream,” he said, “where I learned of the question that would be asked of me when
I die.”
The
students were puzzled, “Reb Zusya, you are pious, a scholar, and so
humble. You have helped so many of
us. What question about your life could
be so terrifying that you would be scared to answer?”
The rabbi
replied, “I learned that I will NOT be asked, ‘Why weren’t you Moses leading
your people out of slavery?’ For I am
not Moses. And I won’t be asked, ‘Why
weren’t you Esther standing up to evil, to save your community.’ For I am not Esther. And I won’t be asked, ‘Why weren’t you Abraham
and Sarah willing to make a difficult journey?’
For I am not Abraham or Sarah.”
“No, the
question that will be asked of me, the question that terrifies me is: ‘Zusya,
why weren’t you Zusya?’”[iii]
Reb Zusya
was a great rabbi. Caring, kind, a good
teacher. He was beloved by his students
and his community, yet something was missing.
Reb Zusya hid a part of himself from those that surrounded him. He tried to be the perfect rabbi. It was only on his death bed that he realized
who he needed to be: himself. It was in
these final moments of life that he was able to share with his students who he
truly was, his perceived imperfections and cracks. Reb Zusya’s final lesson, is one of the only
stories that we know about him today; it was his greatest teaching: Be
yourself! Recognize the good and the
bad, the warts and the blessings. But,
most importantly. Be yourself!
As hard
as it is to recognize our blessings, it’s even harder to accept our
imperfections. As Rabbi Ellen Lewis
teaches: “Not perfect, but fully human: this is what God asks of us. And, in response, this may be the best we can
do: forgive ourselves for our yearnings and failings for being human [and] not
God; [to] accept the imperfections, satisfactions, of being a person.”[iv]
On Yom
Kippur, we aren’t ask to be perfect. We
aren’t ask to be God. We are asked only
to be human: to accept our entire selves, including the cracks, the challenges,
and the perceived imperfections. To be
human, is to recognize our entire being, it’s to be us!
One
person who recognized his humanity is Jason Kander. You might have heard of Jason, who almost
unseated Senator Roy Blunt in the 2016 election. Jason is a rising political star, who served
two terms in the Missouri state legislature and as Secretary of State all
before the age of 36. He is an
Afghanistan Veteran; a progressive in a very conservative state. When President
Obama was asked who he saw as the future of the Democratic Party, the first
name out of his mouth was Jason Kander.
By all objective measure, things were going great for Jason. His first book was a New York Times
Bestseller, his non-profit “Let America Vote” was incredibly effective, and he
was in the homestretch of a mayoral run for his hometown of Kansas City.
To
everyone outside his intimate circle, Jason’s life looked perfect.[v] Yet, the truth was different. It had been eleven years since he left
Afghanistan as an Army Intelligence Officer and things just weren’t right. He had uncharacteristic anger, paralyzing
nightmares, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, and severe depression. Jason went online to fill out the VA forms,
but left the boxes unchecked – to scared to acknowledge his true symptoms. Afraid of the stigma and what it could mean
for his political career.
As Jason
shares, “Instead of celebrating [these many] accomplishment[s], I found myself
on the phone with the Veterans Crisis Line, tearfully conceding that, yes, I
have had suicidal thoughts. And it
wasn’t the first time. I’m done hiding
this from myself and from the world.”[vi]
Jason’s
campaign manager asked him: “Are you sure this is how you want to be
remembered?”
Many politicians
have grappled with the wounds of war, but Jason was one of the first to do so publicly,
to share his PTSD and his depression openly.
By sharing his struggle with us all, by checking the box, Jason helped
change the conversation around trauma and healing. His story opened the door for veterans and
many others get the help they need. As
Jason shares: “It’s not like it’s cured or ever goes away. But you learn how to treat it and you make
sure it’s no longer disruptive in your life.”
Jason
Kander had a crack in his bucket. He
tried to run away. He tried to pretend
the crack wasn’t there, but it was. He
was terrified to share his PTSD because of the implied implications on his
career. Yet, Jason decided to check the
box. It took him years to do so, years
of struggle and challenge to get the help he needed. Yet, Jason recognized the crack for what it
was, a piece of him.
Jason
reminds us that some cracks travel with us our entire lifetime. Some cracks can’t be fixed. Some cracks continue to torment us years later. But, we can acknowledge these cracks and get
the help we need. We can gain strength
from each other. We can feel a sense of
healing.
During
these High Holy Days, we pursue Cheshbon HaNefesh. We take stock in ourselves and pursue a
self-assessment of our souls. We look
closely at our blessings and our cracks.
We do our best, to be open and honest with ourselves, to pursue the support
we need, and to live each day as only one person: as ourselves.
The
cracked bucket was blind to its entire being.
Reb Zusya waited until his dying day to share his entire self. It was Jason Kander, who, after years of
challenge and struggle, was finally able to check the box.
What
boxes do you need to check? What help
and support do you need? Are you being
your true self? Are you being YOU?
Today, on
Yom Kippur we vow to live openly, honestly, and unabashedly as ourselves. Today, on Yom Kippur we vow to live life to
the fullest. Today, on Yom Kippur we vow
to check the box. Shana Tova!
[i]
The Cracked Pot, based upon the telling of Rabbi Francine Green Roston in Three
Times Chai: 54 Rabbis Tell Their Favorite Stories” ed. Laney Katz
Becker
[ii] Yom
Kippur Readings ed. Rabbi Dov Peretz Elkins, p. 252
[iii]
Based upon the telling found in Tales of
Hasidim by Martin Buber
[iv] Mishakn
HaNefesh, Yom Kippur, xxvii
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