A story
is told: A woman stands by a window[i]
peering out behind the shade. She’s
waiting for someone to return. Nervously,
she peeks her eyes towards the horizon.
“Why is his chariot so long in coming?
Why so late the clatter of his wheels?”
Her son, Sisera, the great general is out at war, leading the troops to
battle. He should have returned hours
ago.
The
wisest of ladies give answer: “They must be dividing the spoils they’ve found.” Still, his mother worries; as a mother always
does. The sun begins to sink into the
sky. She waits, looking out the window,
hoping, praying. Slowly, a tear forms. She weeps quietly, begins to cry, and sobs
uncontrollably.
Three
blasts of the shofar – the sound of moaning.
Nine calls – a woman bawling. The
long Tekiah Gedolah – a heart breaking.
The rabbis teach that the shofar is likened to the sound of crying. Whose cry does the shofar represent? The Talmud teaches: the mother of Sisera,
waiting by the window, hoping for her son’s return.[ii]
Sisera
was not a Jew. In fact, he was our ancient
enemy: the leader of the Canaanite army.
Sisera wished to destroy our people; the Hitler of his day. Yet, the wail of the shofar does not signify
the cries of our ancestors. Incredibly, it
symbolizes the weeping of our ancient enemy’s mother. When the Shofar’s piercing sound is heard
tomorrow morning, its cry should fill us with empathy, not just for our own
challenges, but for the pain and loss felt by all humanity.
We know
how difficult it can be to feel the aching and distress of those that surround
us. Sometimes it’s easier to shy away
from people’s suffering. We might hurry
past a homeless person, try not to be emotionally involved with a co-worker’s
troubles, or ignore the pleas of a stranger in need of support. It’s natural to try and avoid grief and
hardship.
But not
for all of us… especially, Julio De Leon.[iii] A few weeks ago, Julio was riding across the
George Washington Bridge, a trip he does often by bike from his job in New York
City to his home in Rockland County.
Julio noticed something unusual that day. He looked up and saw a guy, standing on the
ledge of the Bridge, nothing below him except for 200 feet of sky, and then,
the Hudson River. Julio ran over to the
man. He had no script, nothing that
prepared him for this day. He just
looked at him and said, “Don’t do it. We
love you…” And in a second, he grabbed
the man, and hauled him over the wall to safety.
Julio
wasn’t the first person to see the man on the bridge that day. Seconds before he got there, a pedestrian
arrived, who whipped out his phone and took a few pictures. Why did the first man snap a photo instead of
reaching out his hand? What was it about
Julio that caused him to act, to help?
Michele
Borba writes in “Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me
World” that even if we wish differently, most of us are in fact bystanders[iv]
instead of being upstanders. We often
feel powerless. We’re not sure how to
make the trouble stop. We have vague
expectations, not sure if we should help.
And most importantly, we believe that someone else will help, diffusing
responsibility.
And our
world is changing so quickly! With phones
often glued to our hands and our children now the first to grow up as the
Selfie Generation, we’ve seen some troubling changes in our conduct: Dips in
empathy, yet an increase in narcissistic behavior. More peer cruelty and cyberbullying as well
as weaker moral reasoning and increased cheating.[v]
These
dips in empathy are troubling, for kindness is truly the foundation of what it
means to be a Jew. Our rabbis teach that
no mitzvah is more important than: “Love your neighbor as yourself!” While, no commandment is found more often in
the Torah than “Love the stranger, for you were strangers in the Land of
Egypt!” Even Hillel reminds us: “That
which is hateful to you, don’t do to others.
That is the entire Torah – the rest is commentary. Now go and learn!”
It’s
Hillel’s conclusion that is the most significant… “Now go and learn!” Empathy and kindness don’t exist without real
work! Michele Borba shares that like
riding a bike or learning a foreign language, empathy is a quality that can be
taught, that can be learned. The ability
to empathize is crucial because it affects our health, happiness, and the ability
to bounce back from adversity.[vi] These values and traits must constantly be
learned and honed. Hillel reminds us
that we can’t just act compassionately, we also must constantly work at being
empathetic.
This is
hard work! Especially when our friends
and neighbors are living through challenging experiences that we can’t even
fathom. We sometimes feel removed both
physically and emotionally from the difficulties and the pain they endure. Our hope is to listen and to understand, as
much as we possibly can. That’s empathy!
Long ago,
a Chasidic rebbe went to visit one of the wealthiest men in town. The man welcomed the rebbe and attempted to
usher him inside. Instead, the rebbe began some small talk at the foot of the
doorway. “How is your family? Your wife?
Your kids?”
It was
freezing cold that February day and the man began to shiver. “Please, rebbe come
inside. Let’s warm up by the fire.”
“No,
no. I only need a minute or two of your time. How is everything at work? Your business is doing well?”
The man’s
teeth began to chatter. “Rebbe, this is
getting out of hand! I have a nice warm
home. Please, come in.”
The rebbe
looked up and said to the man: “I’ve only come to ask a quick question. There are many in town who don’t have enough money
to pay for the coal to heat their homes.
I’ve come to ask you for 100 rubles to help them in their time of need.”
“Rebbe,
if I promise to give, will you come inside!”
“Yes, of
course!”
The rebbe
came in and the man went to the safe and gave the rebbe 100 rubbles. “Rebbe, I don’t understand. Why did you have to ask me your question
outside?”
“Of
course, you would have graciously invited me inside. We would have sat down by the fire and each
had a cup of hot tea. And when I asked
for 100 rubbles, you would instead have given 5 or 10. In the bitter cold, you experienced just a
few minutes of what many experience every day of their lives. And in your compassion, you gave a generous
donation of 100 rubles.”[vii]
To be
compassionate means putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes, to feel their
pain as though it were our own.[viii] The wealthy man never experienced a day in
his life without a warm fire or a hot cup of tea. Outside without any real clothes, he walked
in the shoes of those who were freezing cold, even in their own homes.
We know
that it’s impossible to feel what another is feeling. We are unable to experience the hardship they
face. But we can look into our hearts
and discover the moments that give us pain, and we can refuse to inflict that
pain on anyone else.[ix] That’s compassion!
Walking
in each other’s shoes is a start. But,
is it enough? As Jews, we are commanded
not just to feel another’s pain, but to do our part to bring everyone a little
bit of comfort. As parents,
grandparents, teachers, and mentors, we can provide our kids with the moral
framework they need to act.[x] Here are just a couple of things we can do to
help them to become change makers: Set
expectations: our kids are more likely to help when they believe we expect them
to act. Be a better role model: show our
kids that we stand up for what we believe-in.
Share stories about heroes: whether it’s The Little Engine that Could,
Rosa Parks, or the heroic acts of a next door neighbor. Step-back: let our kids struggle and find
their own voice!
That’s just
what Marilyn and Don Perlyn did, with a little help from their first grade
daughter.[xi]
Like many parents, Marilyn and Don spent much of their time nurturing their
kids’ reading and math skills to set them up for success in school. But one day, their daughter, Amanda, found
out that her first grade teacher’s daughter was diagnosed with cancer. Amanda wanted to help, and so, on her own,
she decided to make holiday ornaments for a fund raiser. It was then that Marilyn and Don, realized that
they spent so much of their time focused on education that they didn’t devote nearly
enough effort on values like empathy and compassion. Moving forward, they decided they would teach
their kids how to become change makers.
They sat
down with all their kids to help them find ways to give back. At 12, Eric Perlyn started Stepp’in Up which
provides free shoes to underprivileged children. He began the project by using his Bar Mitzvah
money to buy the initial shoes for a needy family. At 15, Chad Perlyn started Doc-Adopt when he
learned that a classmate needed dental work that her family couldn’t afford. And Amanda launched To Have and to Hug,
providing stuffed animals to children at shelters and hospitals. Don and Marilyn taught their kids that they
could make a difference. Twenty years
later, the Perlyn family charities are still making our world a better place!
Time
moves so quickly. Just yesterday my son
Caleb was a baby, with his heartbreaking cry of Tekiah Gedolah awakening me in
the middle of the night. Now, I hear him What I hear isn’t a cry, but a
question: “Why Abba? Why?” As I parent, I have so much to teach him. I want him to be generous, compassionate, and
caring. May the shofar’s wail awaken
us. May we be stirred; may we be roused,
so that this year we become better role models, better teachers, and kinder
more empathetic Jews and people.
[i]
Based on the story of Deborah found in Judges 5:28-30
See also: Edward Feld, “Rosh Hashanah Readings,” edited
by Rabbi Dov Peretz Elkins, pp. 185 - 186
[iii][iii]
“On a Bridge, a Quick Thinking Cyclist Saves a Life on the Ledge” – New York
Times, August 4, 2016
[iv] Michele
Borba, “Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World,” pp. 172
- 173
[v]
Borba, p. XV
[vi]
Borba pp. XIII - XIV
[vii] Thank
you to Rabbi Dan Moskowitz for sharing this story. This famous Chasidic story is told by many
different authors. Some versions can be
found in: “The Torah’s Seventy Faces: Commentaries of Weekly Sidrah”p. 128 by
Simcha Raz; “Inner Peace Achieving Self-Esteem Through Prayer” p. 93 by Yisroel
Roll.
[viii]
Karen Armstrong, “Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life,” p. 9
[ix]
Armstrong, p. 9
[xi]
Borba, pp. 204 – 205
http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/1996-12-22/news/9612190172_1_needy-children-children-s-home-society-kids
No comments:
Post a Comment